# 10 Stay True to You: The Magic of Holding Space for Yourself- Art of Life Podcast

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Hi, and welcome to the Art of Life podcast.

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I'm so glad you are here with me.

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We have a really good topic today.

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It's called holding space for yourself.

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So what does that mean?

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What does holding space for yourself mean?

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I think the simplest way I have to explain is by an example of fruits.

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So let's say, amongst all the fruits, you are an apple.

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The way I explain this is that if you have oranges around you, you

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have kiwis around you, maybe you have even some non fruit friends, so

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maybe you have broccoli around you or cauliflower, you still stay an apple.

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So staying an apple, because you are an apple is holding space for yourself.

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That's a fruit example, right?

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Like, that's just trying to make it clear.

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Because otherwise, if I bring it in a human form of what we do every day

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and how we change our thoughts and opinions, our actions even, that varies

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for us as humans with our interactions.

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So I thought if I just gave this example around being an apple

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then that would be really clear.

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Now in regular life I might want to do something and I might just get influenced

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by somebody's opinion because either I look up to them or because they are

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very significant in my life So could be a mom could be a teacher Etc Could also

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be something, somebody that I really admire, a group of even celebrities or

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someone who's saying something on the show and that might just sway my opinion.

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So in that sense, that's where apple, staying an apple,

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that analogy is coming there.

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In literal senses, holding space for yourself is choosing yourself, is when

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you've got to make a decision between being someone else or being swayed

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by someone else, it's that process of connecting in with yourself and letting

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yourself shine, so choosing yourself.

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So let me give you examples around that.

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So, let's say there is a baking competition, and you really want to bake,

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and you go home, you announce, I will go to bake, I'm going to participate in this

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competition, and perhaps that's taken well, perhaps there's somebody who's very

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near and dear to you, and they go like, ah, so there you go with that new thing

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again, this is what you're going to do.

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Maybe the response generally isn't as positive as you would have liked it to be.

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Inside, you really want to participate in that baking competition.

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Well, so then what is holding space?

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Is holding space then, listening to your family and loved ones, who are perhaps

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not on the same page, or is holding space going, "Hey, I wanted to give this a shot.

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I'll give this anyway".

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So in that sense, it's choosing yourself.

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And choosing to allow yourself to do what you want to do.

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Let's look at another example.

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There's a friend who asks for your help.

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Anything, let's say, moving on the weekend.

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You don't even like this friend too much.

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You don't really want to help the person move.

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But you're kind of this pleasing person, so it's very hard for you to say no.

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And you go like, Yay!

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Yes, of course, I'll be there for you and I'll help you out.

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So that's the question again, right?

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How are you holding space for yourself?

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Are you prioritizing someone else?

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When you don't want to, when you don't wish to inside, are you

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compromising on a part of yourself?

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Are you giving somebody else advantage, priority, over yourself?

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So that sort of explains the concept around holding space for yourself.

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Now why is holding space for yourself so hard, right?

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If you think back, as toddlers, and I particularly like the age

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of maybe two or three years old.

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If you have kids around, I would, you know, just encourage

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you to go back to that age.

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Because there's something about it.

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There's something around that age where we really know how to hold our ground.

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Like, take a toy from a toddler.

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They'll go, mine.

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And they'll say, mine.

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The little bodies who don't even know.

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properly to, you know, feed themselves yet or dress themselves yet.

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But even those little bodies know.

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And they go very much like, ah, this is mine, this is my toy.

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Or you tell them, well, you're not going to the playground,

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you really want to be at the playground, but we've got to do this.

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Watch a toddler go, no!

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This is what I'm doing, this is where I'm staying.

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So, as kids, as two or three year olds, I believe that a lot of us

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knew how to hold space for ourselves.

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As we grow up, their society, everything sort of conditions us to

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please others, look after others.

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A lot of times we're taught what is good behavior, and good behavior just

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means complying with someone else.

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At school it might just mean complying with what your teacher asks you to do.

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At home as well, at job, at your work as well, there's a reward if you did

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something that pleased your manager.

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We are trained to please others.

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It's just social conditioning.

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Coming back to the question around why is holding space for yourself so hard?

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It's just that for us, we have been taught so much and so well around

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pleasing others, around being good, around conforming, that as we keep

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growing and as we keep giving importance to other situations and other people,

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we lose that connection with ourselves.

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Just ask some people in their 40s, 50s, just ask them, what do you really like?

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Like, just grill them, nicely, on what do they really like, not with

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the objective of belittling anyone, but just really trying to understand

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are they connected with themselves.

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And I encourage you to have this question with yourself as well.

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What do you really want?

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What do you really like?

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A lot of times.

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You'll find that when we answer that question, simple as it

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sounds, we tend to give importance to what someone else thinks.

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You know, we might say, Hey, I really enjoyed this conversation because

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my friend and I, we do this and know, my friend really likes this.

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Or I liked this, going to this movie because my friend really enjoyed it.

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The person I love really enjoyed it.

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You ask them, what do you want to do on the weekend?

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They'll be like, yes, my partner planned something for me and

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we are doing this and this.

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But just the whole question around, what do you want?

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What do you like?

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It's great to be able to...

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Be really open and flexible and do everything that everyone asks of you.

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But if you're feeling frustrated, it's just getting back to yourself

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and connecting to yourself.

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Paying attention to your own voice.

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What is it that you like?

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Okay, so how do you hold space for yourself?

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And maybe in here, uh, start by understanding what fills your cup.

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So we already started talking about what do you like, right?

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So when you write your list around what fills your cup, and there's absolutely

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nothing wrong around saying, Okay, I love connecting with friends and family.

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There's absolutely nothing wrong there.

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But what I'd encourage you to do, is look at your feelings, your thoughts, and

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instead off prioritizing how they feel with the interaction, prioritize yourself.

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There's absolutely nothing wrong.

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We're social animals.

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We all love socializing.

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We all love going out, getting together.

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That's the essence of life, right?

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That's why we're having the human experience.

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But when you write your list around what fills your cup, make it your voice.

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So, some examples, for example, for me, they could be just having a nice

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meal, having a walk in nature, and yes, I love connecting with friends and

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family as well, especially where I feel that we've had a really nice heart to

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heart chat, very authentic and open.

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I love doing some art as well.

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And they could be some of your examples.

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You could have something totally different.

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That's absolutely okay.

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Just try and make this your own list not depending on

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what others are doing for you?

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Or how they are feeling, but just depending more on how do you feel.

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These are things that make you feel good.

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So, let's say, connecting with a friend and having a really good friend.

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Yes, obviously, my friend would have a good time, most likely.

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But even if that didn't happen, and if I got to really open my heart and listen

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to them, and it, it felt connected, for me, I don't need a validation from my

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friend to say, Hey, it was a good time.

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So there's just a subtle difference there.

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It's just around you feeling good without always having to hear it, without

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always having to hear the feedback.

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It's you feeling good with that activity.

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Other things could be like, doing some sports, going to the gym, or

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whatever is your cup of tea, I imagine.

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So, look at that, build that list, and that list will evolve over time as well.

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You might start off with a list.

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Over time it might just change, and you'll start talking about

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something else, or there'll be other things that you are excited about.

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All of that's okay.

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But what I want you to do is, every day, look at things that fill

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your cup, and as often as you can.

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Put in a few of those things that fill your cup.

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Let's say if it's gardening, just make sure that you give

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yourself time to do that.

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You give yourself time to connect with yourself.

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Okay, so revisiting this again.

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Now what does holding space for yourself mean?

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I'm just trying to wrap this up.

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And now you already know it.

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So this is staying an apple if you are an apple staying an orange, if you are

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an orange, you don't have to look at the orange and go, Hey, you know, I'm

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an apple and it's just not as juicy as an orange or the skin isn't like that

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of an orange, you don't have to do that.

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It's just around being you.

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And it's not about the oranges or the broccoli.

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It's really about the apple.

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And that's a very important point.

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I'd like to ask you one question.

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So how do you write your story?

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So let's say if you and I were to have a chat and I said,

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okay, just tell me who you are.

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What do you do?

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How would you write your story?

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You know, whatever you wanna say, well, this is how I grew up,

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and then this is what I pursue.

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This is what I'm doing right now.

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How do you write that story?

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Who's the main actor in your story?

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Is that you or is that your family?

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Is that any of your friends?

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You see where I'm going with this?

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So, how do you write your story?

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I highly encourage you to become your own actor in your story.

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Reframe what's happened in your life making you the star of your story

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anything that has happened, right?

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Mostly because humans are wired a little bit like that, you'll find that when there

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are some, some of those graceful moments where life's been hard and we've learned

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something, we often tend to look outside and go a little bit in the victim mindset

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that this happened to me because this happened and I urge you to change it.

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When I urge you to change that story, the reasoning behind that

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is not that what you're thinking is wrong or that someone else didn't do

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something that wasn't the best for you.

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It's nothing like that.

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I'm just saying that your story, your life, is your life.

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You deserve to be the hero of your life.

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So give yourself that chance.

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Become that person who is the main lead, the main star in your story.

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Okay, so let's part with an exercise.

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How do you actually learn how to hold space for yourself?

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So let's look at what you can do to start holding space for yourself.

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And this could be a really fun activity, so take a calendar out,

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maybe put a day there, and just write your day or just write your week

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on there and just write, big, big headings of what you're going to do.

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Maybe your day starts with traveling to the office, then doing some work,

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and then however you end your day.

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Write your main activities down, give them an hour, hour and a half, or...

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Bigger, smaller chunks as you please.

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Write those activities down.

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And then...

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The ones that fill your cup, put a nice little heart against them or give

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them a color, whatever you feel like.

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Because these are the activities that fill your cup.

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So you could see a whole week that way, you could see a whole

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day that way, but look at that.

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And that's a visual depiction of yourself, your activities for the day or the week.

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You'll be able to see how much you are filling your cup.

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Even if there are activities where you are involved, going out and doing

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something, interacting with others, put hearts in there if you feel,

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Oh, I am really going to love this.

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This is going to be amazing.

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Like I will feel really happy.

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Then put the hearts there.

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And once you get that visual picture of the week or the day.

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then you know the next step.

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Try and see if you can have hearts a little bit more.

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Try and see if you can just reshuffle, re prioritize your day or your week, to

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just give you more space for yourself, to give you more times where you really

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connect with yourself, where you're really happy, where you fill your cup.

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You can never give out more than you've got.

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So it's up to you to balance and to fill your cup.

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You've got to prioritize that.

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I heard a really beautiful quote the other day.

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You are the walking instruction manual for the world.

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I'll repeat that.

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You are the walking instruction manual for the world.

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As in, you are the person who's teaching everybody around you how

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to look after you, how to treat you.

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So just do that.

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All right, so that is unholding space for yourself.

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I hope you got some great tips out there I definitely enjoyed doing this episode

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and all of the other future ones that I've got I just want to go in a lot

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deeper and just share a lot more as well where you will get thoughts or takeaways

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that you can start applying in your own life and hopefully that makes your

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life brighter and more happy and so on.

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I have a beautiful course coming up.

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It's called the Life Makeover Program.

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You can actually find it at www.

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artoflifecenter.

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com slash art.

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Now, in this session, in this course, it's a five module course

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and some bonus sessions there.

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They're all art therapy based, and in every single module, I take the time

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to look at some aspect of our lives.

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So, for example, in one, we could just look at being busy

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or around work life balance.

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Another one could be around connecting with our bodies, so just getting in tune

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with ourselves, just tuning into our own inner intuition and seeing how that's

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working, getting the next steps there.

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Every single session of art therapy is an hour.

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With every hour, you come in closer to yourself, having healed yourself

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a lot more, just having learned for yourself a whole lot more.

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So it's...

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a transformational healing and creation program.

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I highly encourage you to check it out.

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It's called the life makeover program.

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It's absolutely a truly great one and absolutely transformational.

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I've had some amazing feedback already, and I look forward to seeing you there.

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But if not, I'll see you at the art of life podcast next week.

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Thank you so much for listening.

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Have a beautiful day.